VIII

It’s the day after Labor Day – a perfect time to have some fitness goals!

I grew up playing sports and had goals to meet as far as athletics went.  It was easy to commit to working hard because I wanted to be the fastest, have the best shooting percentage, obtain a new personal record, etc.  Since graduating college, and thus ending my sports career, I have realized how hard it is to stick to fitness goals without the motivation of being on a team and attending mandatory practices on a daily basis.  It is dang hard.

My day job involves me sitting at a desk.  So, I’ve compiled a short list of exercises I can do at my desk without looking weird (thanks to Google!): 

Toe raises

Lift your toes while keeping your heels firmly on the ground.

While you can do this exercise standing, it works very well while seated.

 

Take the stairs

If you need a harder workout, try taking them two at a time.

Do this at least 2 times a day.  (3 if you’re feeling ambitious!)

 

Hip flexions

While sitting in your chair, lift each foot a few inches off of the floor.

Keep your knee bent at a 90 degree angle and hold the position as long as you are comfortable.

 

Leg extensions

While sitting in your chair, extend each leg until it is level with your hip.

Hold as long as you are comfortable and then relax it.

Alternate sides.

 

Shoulder raises

Raise your shoulder to your ear, hold and then relax.

Repeat, alternating shoulders.

 

Gluteal Squeeze

Tense up the muscles of your rear end, and hold for a count of 10.

 

In addition, I will be doing a plank challenge for the next 30 days.  (This is a family challenge!  My very fit, athletic sister-in-law posted a plank challenge on Facebook.  My husband, aunt, and I have decided to turn this into some sort of competition in order to stay motivated!)

 

Also, on my days off from my second job, I will run for at least 30 minutes.  (Hopefully, I’ll have 2-3 evenings off per week.)

 

Of course, the goal is to have a healthy lifestyle – eat healthy, be active, get into the Word, etc.  I’m not disciplined in any of these areas and need to be!  So… gotta start somewhere, right?

VII

It’s time to get down to business.  

I love to journal.  It’s how I process things; it’s how I remember things; it’s how I keep my heart in check.  So, I am going to begin this blog… again… for a third time.  J  My goal is to blog once a month (or more, if I’m feeling ambitious). 

So, to start this blog (again!) with a bang, allow me to share the song I've been obsessed with for the past YEAR!

VI

I appreciate starving artists.  I’ll tell you why:  they have passionate souls… (even if their passion sometimes seems meaningless to me).  They have passion!  They KNOW their passion and have the guts to pursue it! (Of course, there are passionate people who are not starving artists who have the same gutsy-ness… I’m just intrigued by these starving artist types.)  Working 3 jobs to pay rent for a cozy little apartment that’s far from spacious with exposed brick walls, the permanent smell of freshly brewed coffee, “organized messes” everywhere, the sounds of some obscure musical artist always filling the air, just down the street from a local coffee shop… The artist with glamorously disheveled hair, black-rimmed frames, always scurrying to meet with important editors and to see readings from famous authors at the local bookstore, a sparkling and contagious personality who can draw inspiration from ANYWHERE!  Of course, this is very idealized.  I’m sure having no space in an overpriced apartment with 3 roommates, no insurance benefits, juggling 3 jobs and not having time to attend book readings is not as glamorous as it seems in my head.

 

But I think what gets me most is that they have passion.  They know what they want and will do anything to catch their dream. 

 

There is a burning question that is ever-present in my swirling thoughts… What is my passion?  I like to pretend that it is to be a writer… a starving artist writer looking for that big break in the big city and being inspired by all things of which I catch sight.  But… that’s not me.  I sit in a cubicle all day, doing a job that is less than fulfilling, all the while wondering what my passion is… I am comfortable.  I have a job with benefits and steady pay.  It pays the bills and is enough for my little family’s needs with some left over. 

 

Let’s face it… I am far from a starving artist.  I am also far from finding my passion (or so it feels).  This stinging question has stayed with me for almost 5 years.  It struck a nerve, a haunting chord in a minor key.

 

Passionless = aimless.  Where am I going?  What am I doing?  What is my purpose??  All these life-grappling questions are enough to wither a person’s soul, especially mine. 

 

I am flittering about in this wild world.  No passion to call my own.  I suppose I used to be very passionate about basketball and being physically fit.  I used to be very passionate about people and community.  I have, at times, been very passionate about Jesus.

 

Routine (and my human heart) is the culprit!  Revelation:  The times when I was most passionate was when routine was lacking in my life (aka – college) (aka – lack of responsibility).  That’s it!  So, how can one establish non-routine in such a routine environment?  Does that even need to be the question?  Is that what I’m supposed to figure out?

 

…Hardly not.  Oh, curse the devil and his distractions.  Maybe I should be focusing on my human heart.  (Another revelation!  That must be why I want a big, crazy family!  Subconsciously, I must be associating routine with lack of passion!)

 

That’s what it always comes down to… my human heart, the fall of man, the devil and his distractions… BEING FREAKING HUMAN.

 

I really don’t mean to be a depressed diva (…tried to use something other than “Debbie Downer”) all the time.  But it’s hard to see past my own struggles sometimes.  (Thus, the curse of the fall…) And, it’s not like I am truly unhappy.  There are beautiful times of Joy, and there are obvious glimmers of Hope.  I honestly have to fight for those lovely moments.  I have to fight to open my eyes and expose my hurting heart to catch a glimpse of the Truth.  The Truth that I am wonderfully made in God’s image.  I am deeply loved and cherished by The One who created the stars and the mountains and sunrises and everything that makes my heart flutter.  The One who hates to see me hurting and longs so deeply for me to experience true Joy and to discover my passion. 

 

I have to fight to be passionate.  I have to fight to find my passion.

 

(Maybe it’s right under my nose.)

 

 

 

“Passion. It lies in all of us.

Sleeping... waiting... and though unwanted, unbidden,

it will stir... open its jaws and howl.

It speaks to us... guides us. Passion rules us all.

And we obey. What other choice do we have?

Passion is the source of our finest moments.

The joy of love... the clarity of hatred... the ecstasy of grief.

It hurts sometimes more than we can bear.

If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace.

But we would be hollow.

Empty rooms, shuttered and dank.

Without passion, we'd be truly dead.” 

- Joss Whedon

V

I See You, and I Judge

Ladies, I have a confession:  I am self-obsessed.  My guess is that you are too.

Ladies, I see you and I judge. You see me and you judge. We’re women, this is what women do. Where are you on the totem pole? Where am I? Looks, gifts, talents, bodies, children’s obedience, husband’s successfulness must all be compared and categorized.

Who is the thinnest, the prettiest, the wisest? It’s not enough to be regular, middle, ordinary. One must be the best, the winner, top dog. One must triumph over the pack, or suffer the mocking disdain of them.

Of me. And you.

Brutal Little Liars

There is a judge, a jury, a panel of accusers. “Do you think you’ve hidden your shame?” they cry. “You are a fraud, a loser, a wannabe. You’ll never make it to the top!” These voices have been with us all of our lives, it seems. Who are they anyway? The Bible tells us that this voice is the accuser of the brethren whose name is liar and yet . . . it still feels so true.

I, for one, am obsessed with trying to prove this liar wrong, for I know this voice. It is as comfortable as an old, moth-eaten blankie, enveloping me in its filthy, disease-ridden reassurance. This is who I am called: fat, ugly, embarrassing. What are you called? Stupid? Boring? Alone? These labels are powerful in their brutal deceit.

We are too much, too little, too loud, too scared.

We are lacking.

The truth is that we are obsessed with ourselves. We don’t spend near this amount of time or energy or interest or money or worry on the things of Jesus. We try to fight this battle with the flaccid weapons of, “I’m fine, God made me the way that I am, and I am his child. My husband/friend/mother thinks I’m beautiful, certainly my children and my grandchildren love me.” All that is true of course, but it is not the first truth.

Bowing Low to His Loveliness

The only weapon powerful enough for this fight is Jesus. He is beautiful. He is loveliness beyond description, splendor and glory and might. All this time and energy and attention are only worth it for Jesus. All this money and fuss and focus are a waste of time unless the time is redeemed in him. The melding of a mother’s heart with her children is his work. The love of a man for a woman is a mere hint of the beauty to be found in Jesus’ eyes. Beloved Jesus is always and only the point. He is beauty.

Him.

I bow down, I bow low before the awe,

the wonder, the fearful beauty of Jesus.

It is here that I am changed.

There is no ladder of competitiveness. Others’ gifts are a clear pathway to see him. Others’ beauty are sweet fragrances of Jesus. As women are my sisters, we are daughters together of the one who actually matters.

And because of this, our mattering is put in proper perspective. Bowed low is the only position that brings sight to that which is constant. It is in our precious Lord Jesus that we mirror who we are, that we become truly whose we are. It is in him that a woman’s face reflects that which changes everything.

Jesus.

This article is from The Resurgence website (http://theresurgence.com/2012/10/24/i-see-you-and-i-judge).

I hope you are encouraged on this lovely day.

IV

I want to think again of dangerous and noble things.

I want to be light and frolicsome. 

I want to be improbable, beautiful,

and afraid of nothing, as though I had wings.

– Mary Oliver

This quote stares at me all day long.  I have it sitting on my desk at work.  It’s one of my favorites because it reminds me of freedom. 

I’m a soft-spoken person.  I’m also timid, in that I’m afraid to express my thoughts and feelings a lot of the time.  There was a period when this was not the case.  I want to think again of these “dangerous and noble things;” I want to have these thoughts and feelings and feel the freedom to express them.  This first sentence also remind me of Romans 12:2 -

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind,

that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Dangerous and noble teachings are in the Bible.  Jesus teaches about ways to live and act that are against cultural norms [give to the poor, don’t live in excess, love others as yourself, etc].  My mind needs to be renewed and saved from this world so I can learn to think “again of dangerous and noble things.”

I am weighed down by stress, guilt, and anxiety of all kinds.  Some of this is because I am way too concerned about worldly things.  In my brain, being “light and frolicsome” means having all the weight lifted off your shoulders.  A lot of this anxiety is caused by lack of confidence.  So, having a renewed mind will result in confidence in Christ, because of Christ – which brings about being “light and frolicsome.”

“I want to be improbable, beautiful, and afraid of nothing, as though I had wings.”   Another word for “improbable” can be “unexpected.”  I want to be unexpected – yes, I do have shy tendencies, but when we engage in conversation… I want my personality to be unexpected!  I want to have genuine conversations in which I am fully engaged with the other person and what they’re saying – not when I half-heartedly listen because I’m too concerned about what my hair looks like and what clothes I am wearing.  (Please note: I am not always half-heartedly listening when other people talk to me!)

I want to have a beautiful heart, full of God’s Love and Joy and Peace and Wisdom.  And, I want to be afraid of nothing and feel the freedom that only God can make me feel. 

These are the longings of my heart right now.

Take delight in the Lord,    

and he will give you the desires of your heart

Psalm 37:4

III

And let us consider how to stir up 

one another to love and good works, 

not neglecting to meet together, 

as is the habit of some, 

but encouraging one another, 

and all the more as you see 

the Day drawing near. 

– Hebrews 10:24-25

Community:  The thing I most deeply crave and the thing I am most scared of.

My fear of community stems from the fact that I have an unhealthy fear of people in situations/places that make me feel uncomfortable.  I am a completely different person at work than when I am at church.  I am confident at work – confident in my abilities, confident in my professionalism, et cetera.  It’s quite easy for me [most of the time] to strike up conversations with strangers.  Switch over to church [or any other uncomfortable social situation, for that matter].  That confidence is shattered.  I shrink back to the shy girl I [with God’s Strength] worked so hard to overcome in the past.

[I am reminded of this quote by Andre Dubus:  “Shyness has a strange element of narcissism, a belief that how we look, how we perform, is truly important to other people.” So true.]

What is my deal!?  The answer to that question is always the same when I really ponder on it – my relationship with God.  Confidence in Christ and bearing the Fruits is how God strengthened me to defeat that paralyzing shyness I battled with for so many years. 

Not that we are sufficient in ourselves 

to claim anything as coming from us,

 but our sufficiency is from God. 

– 2 Corinthians 3:5

Which now brings me to the lack of community that is plaguing my heart.  Through community with the girls I lived with in college and the amazing church I attended, God healed me of that lack of confidence and shyness.  He restored to me the Joy of salvation, and I was bearing the Fruits!  People were pouring into me, and I was pouring into them.  It was a beautiful period in my life. 

Fast forward to now.  This lack of community has affected me in ways that I’m just now realizing – bitterness.  Bitterness toward God, bitterness toward my current church, bitterness toward my husband, and it goes on.  I am blaming other people for my lack of community.  As I am admitting this, I know that it’s a wrong way of thinking, but I am still blaming other people for my lack of community in my head.  Why isn’t anyone pursuing me?  Because I’m not putting myself in a situation to let anyone reach me.  This, I know.   But I’m still bitter.

“Nothing can be more cruel than the leniency 

which abandons others to their sin. 

Nothing can be more compassionate than 

the severe reprimand which calls another Christian 

in one’s community back from the path of sin.” 

– Dietrich Bonhoeffer

I need to immerse myself in community so I can be severely reprimanded for this uncalled for bitterness that I’m harboring.

II

t’s been about 2 months and 7 days since last I wrote.  It certainly feels like it’s been longer.  Life is wearing me down – and it’s not because life is busy.

Two major things have happened in my world. 

[ONE] PJ and I got tattoos last weekend.  His favorite tattoo artist is Monsieur Noon, who is based out of France and has no open appointments for the next bazillion years.  On a whim several months ago, PJ emailed his secretary to see if he was coming to the States and if he had any openings.  Surprisingly, he was coming to Colorado for a tattoo convention.  PJ was put on a “waiting list.”  Once Monsieur Noon was ready to start filling the slots, his secretary sent out an email to the “waiting list.”  First reply, first serve.  PJ had been working on a rough draft of the email, complete with his tattoo idea and his favorite Monsieur Noon art.  A couple weeks later, he received an email and quickly replied with the rough draft he had composed. 

All that to say, we went to Colorado over the weekend to get PJ’s tattoo.  I had an idea for my tattoo, but wasn’t completely set on getting it – until I found the perfect artist, Jesse Rix from Secret Lake Tattoo in New Hampshire. 

It was a fun trip.  Who can say that they’ve been to a tattoo convention!?  Plus, we got to visit a great friend with whom I went to high school.  It’s always encouraging and such a blessing to hang out with her.

[TWO]  I got a new job!  Same place, different team, pay raise.  I start in a couple of weeks.  I am excited for the challenge.

Life is wearing me down.  Fears, frustrations, marriage, lack of community, laziness - They are all taking their toll on me.  I really want this blog to be an encouragement to anyone who stumbles upon it, but it’s hard for that to happen when I’m feeling so discouraged – which is also why I haven’t written in over 2 months.  I don’t want this to be a place where I am constantly voicing my worries and complaints.  I want this to be a place that reminds you of the God’s Grace and Love and Mercy.  I want to point you toward the Beauty and the Gloriousness of our Heavenly Creator.    

I’ll get there.  Eventually.