VI

I appreciate starving artists.  I’ll tell you why:  they have passionate souls… (even if their passion sometimes seems meaningless to me).  They have passion!  They KNOW their passion and have the guts to pursue it! (Of course, there are passionate people who are not starving artists who have the same gutsy-ness… I’m just intrigued by these starving artist types.)  Working 3 jobs to pay rent for a cozy little apartment that’s far from spacious with exposed brick walls, the permanent smell of freshly brewed coffee, “organized messes” everywhere, the sounds of some obscure musical artist always filling the air, just down the street from a local coffee shop… The artist with glamorously disheveled hair, black-rimmed frames, always scurrying to meet with important editors and to see readings from famous authors at the local bookstore, a sparkling and contagious personality who can draw inspiration from ANYWHERE!  Of course, this is very idealized.  I’m sure having no space in an overpriced apartment with 3 roommates, no insurance benefits, juggling 3 jobs and not having time to attend book readings is not as glamorous as it seems in my head.

 

But I think what gets me most is that they have passion.  They know what they want and will do anything to catch their dream. 

 

There is a burning question that is ever-present in my swirling thoughts… What is my passion?  I like to pretend that it is to be a writer… a starving artist writer looking for that big break in the big city and being inspired by all things of which I catch sight.  But… that’s not me.  I sit in a cubicle all day, doing a job that is less than fulfilling, all the while wondering what my passion is… I am comfortable.  I have a job with benefits and steady pay.  It pays the bills and is enough for my little family’s needs with some left over. 

 

Let’s face it… I am far from a starving artist.  I am also far from finding my passion (or so it feels).  This stinging question has stayed with me for almost 5 years.  It struck a nerve, a haunting chord in a minor key.

 

Passionless = aimless.  Where am I going?  What am I doing?  What is my purpose??  All these life-grappling questions are enough to wither a person’s soul, especially mine. 

 

I am flittering about in this wild world.  No passion to call my own.  I suppose I used to be very passionate about basketball and being physically fit.  I used to be very passionate about people and community.  I have, at times, been very passionate about Jesus.

 

Routine (and my human heart) is the culprit!  Revelation:  The times when I was most passionate was when routine was lacking in my life (aka – college) (aka – lack of responsibility).  That’s it!  So, how can one establish non-routine in such a routine environment?  Does that even need to be the question?  Is that what I’m supposed to figure out?

 

…Hardly not.  Oh, curse the devil and his distractions.  Maybe I should be focusing on my human heart.  (Another revelation!  That must be why I want a big, crazy family!  Subconsciously, I must be associating routine with lack of passion!)

 

That’s what it always comes down to… my human heart, the fall of man, the devil and his distractions… BEING FREAKING HUMAN.

 

I really don’t mean to be a depressed diva (…tried to use something other than “Debbie Downer”) all the time.  But it’s hard to see past my own struggles sometimes.  (Thus, the curse of the fall…) And, it’s not like I am truly unhappy.  There are beautiful times of Joy, and there are obvious glimmers of Hope.  I honestly have to fight for those lovely moments.  I have to fight to open my eyes and expose my hurting heart to catch a glimpse of the Truth.  The Truth that I am wonderfully made in God’s image.  I am deeply loved and cherished by The One who created the stars and the mountains and sunrises and everything that makes my heart flutter.  The One who hates to see me hurting and longs so deeply for me to experience true Joy and to discover my passion. 

 

I have to fight to be passionate.  I have to fight to find my passion.

 

(Maybe it’s right under my nose.)

 

 

 

“Passion. It lies in all of us.

Sleeping... waiting... and though unwanted, unbidden,

it will stir... open its jaws and howl.

It speaks to us... guides us. Passion rules us all.

And we obey. What other choice do we have?

Passion is the source of our finest moments.

The joy of love... the clarity of hatred... the ecstasy of grief.

It hurts sometimes more than we can bear.

If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace.

But we would be hollow.

Empty rooms, shuttered and dank.

Without passion, we'd be truly dead.” 

- Joss Whedon