III

And let us consider how to stir up 

one another to love and good works, 

not neglecting to meet together, 

as is the habit of some, 

but encouraging one another, 

and all the more as you see 

the Day drawing near. 

– Hebrews 10:24-25

Community:  The thing I most deeply crave and the thing I am most scared of.

My fear of community stems from the fact that I have an unhealthy fear of people in situations/places that make me feel uncomfortable.  I am a completely different person at work than when I am at church.  I am confident at work – confident in my abilities, confident in my professionalism, et cetera.  It’s quite easy for me [most of the time] to strike up conversations with strangers.  Switch over to church [or any other uncomfortable social situation, for that matter].  That confidence is shattered.  I shrink back to the shy girl I [with God’s Strength] worked so hard to overcome in the past.

[I am reminded of this quote by Andre Dubus:  “Shyness has a strange element of narcissism, a belief that how we look, how we perform, is truly important to other people.” So true.]

What is my deal!?  The answer to that question is always the same when I really ponder on it – my relationship with God.  Confidence in Christ and bearing the Fruits is how God strengthened me to defeat that paralyzing shyness I battled with for so many years. 

Not that we are sufficient in ourselves 

to claim anything as coming from us,

 but our sufficiency is from God. 

– 2 Corinthians 3:5

Which now brings me to the lack of community that is plaguing my heart.  Through community with the girls I lived with in college and the amazing church I attended, God healed me of that lack of confidence and shyness.  He restored to me the Joy of salvation, and I was bearing the Fruits!  People were pouring into me, and I was pouring into them.  It was a beautiful period in my life. 

Fast forward to now.  This lack of community has affected me in ways that I’m just now realizing – bitterness.  Bitterness toward God, bitterness toward my current church, bitterness toward my husband, and it goes on.  I am blaming other people for my lack of community.  As I am admitting this, I know that it’s a wrong way of thinking, but I am still blaming other people for my lack of community in my head.  Why isn’t anyone pursuing me?  Because I’m not putting myself in a situation to let anyone reach me.  This, I know.   But I’m still bitter.

“Nothing can be more cruel than the leniency 

which abandons others to their sin. 

Nothing can be more compassionate than 

the severe reprimand which calls another Christian 

in one’s community back from the path of sin.” 

– Dietrich Bonhoeffer

I need to immerse myself in community so I can be severely reprimanded for this uncalled for bitterness that I’m harboring.